You're Just Another
Victim, Kid

Everyone wants to know why. Or they think it came out of nowhere. Or they chalk it up to insanity, plain and simple.

Has every adult in this country forgotten what it was like? Or did so few of us tortured outcasts survive that there is no one left to make sense of this? Racial motivations aside, this is a very understandable thing (not to say that killing your enemies is the right answer, but it's really not so far fetched as it seems on the surface). And to those of us who have at some point in their high school/college been backed into a tight societal corner, it's pretty amusing to watch the rest of you run around asking why as if you really have no clue.

Are the bullies of today any meaner? I don't know, it's been a long time since I was at the mercy of the superior brats of the world. But there is one important thing missing that makes this happen now, as opposed to when I was stuffed into my last locker as a senior in high school. Or the day I graduated as I accepted my barely won diploma and the football team chanted "bodybag" during my long walk back to my seat. If I hadn't had some little fear/respect for authority, or a modicum of respect for human life, it would not have been a stretch to line the bastards up and watch them cry and fear and hurt as they had made me do for four long years.

Mine was the last generation to hold it in. We were last ones to fear the establishment just enough to not slaughter each other. That seems to be gone now. My mom was a public high school teacher for three days before being assaulted by a student. Just because.

And it's not about the boy's fascination with Hitler. The media has latched on to that like hungry animals. It's easier to blame something like this on an evil, dead German guy than it is to look at why these kids are so wide open to this. It's long been known that neo-nazi groups target lost young self-less kids and bring them into their fold like a family. Loyalty is much stronger that way. I think that is what needs to be examined, why are these kids so hopeless so young? Why is it that the only people willing to befriend them or take the time to identify with them are the nazi's and Marylin Manson's of this world. It's a lot easier when you are in pain and alone and know that there is no one to turn to for comfort or protection to identify with a lyric like, "It's not your fault that you're always wrong the weak ones are there to justify the strong the beautiful people", by Marylin Manson, than it is to identify or see some little part of yourself in a lyric like "Our God is an awesome God." Maybe it's not right, but it's true.

High schools are hate factories. That's the way it is. Diverse people forced together will never get along. The thing that's scary is that the ugliness that is allowed to go on inside is never adequately addressed.

My office is full of horror stories from high school today, a a designer, I find that most of my co-workers were also outcasts, avoided or teased because they didn't fit in. All of us have some horrid story that may have taken us to a place in our minds at some point where it was comforting to imagine blowing the heads off those snobby _____(insert hated stereotype of your choice here). What stopped us? The golden rule of, "If it's not yours, don't touch it."

When are we going to stop trying to solve self-esteem problems by sending in new-age hug zealots to tell us everything is okay and we will grow out of this awkward phase? Because that is a big lie. I am thirty now, and I didn't grow out of it. I am still pushed out of the way by men who drive Lexuses. I am still disregarded by shop clerks who have more expensive shoes on than I do. The status quo seems to think they are God by virtue of money or breeding or amount of memos in their out-boxes. And while we as adults have the choices of saying "I won't shop at that store anymore because the clerks are pigs," or "I won't go to hang out at this bar because the people are close minded."; kids don't have that freedom. Every weekday morning they are roused from sleep and sent packing off to a large building where up to 2000 people may be waiting to hate them and torment them because they are "different". And there is not a thing they can do about it.

I barely graduated high school not because I am unintelligent, or because I couldn't handle the classes, or because I'm a slacker. I was simply out sick my senior year. I could not face that every day - having my book bag knocked out of my hand repeatedly at the age of seventeen was a singularly humiliating experience. Once in a while, sure, kids tease, they will be kids. But at seventeen a kid is being prepared to go out into the world and they are told that the real world is not the protective thing that high school is. How terrifying is that?

Nothing is anyone's responsibility anymore. And if you are living your life blaming everyone else for things that go on rather than trying to take care of yourself and not be an inconsiderate disrespectful superior kind of person, just shut up. And wake up. You are rude and your kids are rude. We are all rude. We think we are kings of the planet and must be bowed down to. We are like crabs trying to climb out of a bucket. You never need to put a lid on a bucket of live crabs. They are all so busy pulling everyone else down that they never have the time themselves to reach the top. And you can sit in traffic and say it's not that bad, that these are just extremists, but these aren't members of the rebellion on a freedom mission, these are just little kids who can see no other way out.

Cydniey 99
cydlet@chickmail.com