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I have set as my goal to attend school in new york city at parson's school of design in the fall of 1991. i have one year to prepare. in that time there are many mundane things i must do. for instance there is a one year course in interior decorating at the art institute that i'll complete, in the process, putting together a portfolio and getting training for a moderate paying job in nyc. then i have to actually get accepted to parson's and get many loans and grants to afford three years of schooling in such a thriving den of decadence.
it's really taken a lot of people and experiences to pound the fact into me that i can do whatever i want. i can play whatever part i choose. and it isn't so unrealistic to want to play the aprt of the famed interior designer who travels the globe in search of ways to make a work environment that people will enjoy being in. i enjoy the job i have. i work in a convenience store. i clean it, talk to the people, take care of it. i am comfortable here and i look forward to coming to work.
but what of the hundreds of thousands of people who spend most of their waking hours in too-bright offices with uncomfortable (physically) chairs and uncomfortable (psychologically) surroundings. my greatest pleasure would be to find a way for everyone to enjoy their jobs. this of course is unrealistic. but with color, light, design, furniture and training, i can do a whole lot to help people on their way to looking forward to work every day.
i also want to design stores with easily understood layouts, attractive displays, and efficient ways of purchasing products. the less time people spend in line, the better they'll feel about spending their money. the longer a person must wait in line, or look for a product they want, the longer they have to convince themselves that this purchase is not only unnecessary, but not worth the hassle.
well i've managed to blow the last two days. mostly with jeff. my high point and low point came within fifteen minutes of each other. rene, jeff and i went to denny's after we saw a christian slater movie at some huge movieplex. javier's van was at dennys. i got all excited. then (what incredible luck) we were seated right next to the booth he and his friends were in (that would be the high point). fifteen minutes late javier and all of his friends made their exit without saying a word to me (and here we have our low point). what a great guy, i thought we . . . never mind. i know enough now not to "think we" anything. men can sense it when a woman thinks. that'as why it's all the dumb fluff shicks who always have boyfriends. they wouldn't know a kindred spirit if it bit them on the tit (which, by the way, is not a sure way of recognizing a kindred spirit, but it doesn't hurt). me, i try to be in tune to people. i can't read people for shit so i always have to listen really carefully. even when they're not talking. i thought i had javier pegged as one of the true ones. i must be losing my hearing. i still have no hope, though mainly because i have never been this horribly wrong before. maybe he'll come through. even if he doesn't, what do i lose? i only had him for six hours. the sex wasn't to-die-for. i have yet to find sex that is. so be it.
i guess i'll go to the upstage tonight. dutch came into work and said he's be there after rehearsal. if i go home and change i should get there about the same time. besides, i haven't seen tito for a couple of weeks. he always makes me feel good. don't get me wrong. he is beyond middle age, chubby, a family man who just happens to manage one of two cool clubs in this hell-hole. he always has a kind word for me. i like that. so few people do lately. i'll drive for a half hour, dance until i collapse and drive another half hour home. this puts me at roughly 2:30. then get up at 7:30 so i can accopany jeff to pitt to put his school affairs in order. he starts school on wednesday, august 29. nigel's first birthday.
i wonder what he looks like now. i'm not ashamed of having had him. i am disappointed that i couldn't keep him. i am more ashamed of the things that led up to my pregnancy. i know now not to take people at face value. no matter what happens, i will never completely stop trusting people. i am not too open by nature. it's better by far, however, than being an easy target. that's what i used to be.
what were you doing one year ago? i waas laying in a hospital holding my newborn, however illegitimate son. happy birthday nigel. i love you. i miss you. you are so much better off where you are. i hope you'll understand that as you grow up.
tonight i need to be cheered up. so how about a list of my favorite things? i hear no valid arguments, so i shall proceed:
i can't go to parson's. i found out yesterday that 100% of the student body graduated in the top half of their high school class. i can't compete with that shit. i sucked in high school. i completely fucked it off. that just didn't matter to me at the time. if i could do it all again . . . i'd probably do the same thing. i'm one of those people that just doesn't learn. if i had learned from all my mistakes, fuck that, just half of them, i would be the world's most intelligent person. if i could just be more patient. matt says my biggest flaw is that i can't wait for anything. i want it and i want it now. i guess that's why i fucked javier. i should've waited. my biggest mistake this week. i always do it, though. he is not an isolated case. i have a history of it. sex is an emotional pain killer. it temporarily relieves the symptoms, but never does shit to lleviate the problem. pluss it adds more problems. guilt, denial, that kind of shit.
i have this big tug-o-war going on in my head whenever i meet a guy. i think (on the one hand) i shouldn't sleep with the person until i know if they're human or not. but then i think that if i don't, they will go away, and/or that i'm good enough in bed to keep around, even if they don't like me. it never occurs to me, until too late that is the only reason they are there is to fuck me, they aren't worth it. and this lesson never stays with me long enough to do me any good. i don't even listen to myself. why do people expect me to listen to them?
moon over my hammy
-- slogan by some dork at dennys corporate.
last night while we were sitting here at dennys, rene' took a full plastic container of cream and squeezed it until it exploded. definitely one of the high points of my life. right up there with sitting atop a sand dune drinking with arachnidchick in the idaho indian summer.
should i go out and talk to javier? no, i'm too scared. i'll smoke another cigarette instead.
i read an article in some tabloid today about a girl who was caught with 17 ounces of pot. she was let off with a small fine after explaining to a judge that it was for her iguana. it seems that it had an eating/digestive disorder and feeding it pot was the only way to keep it alive. must have been one hell of a happy iguana.
what a day. the sun is out, but it isn't intolerably hot. the back lawn, which is my current locale, is splotched with the shade of the apple and peach trees. my siamese cat, shrew, is here with me enjoying the birds and the breeze.
later . . .
brief explanation for why javier was hanging out here (dennys) last night - someone slashed his tires. as i came in, they were shafting some skinheads for the deed.
i should mention that i talk a lot. this is on my mind because i talked a lot today. mostly i talk to shrew. and my car, vomitt. it's a 1972 bright blue dodge dart with a white roof. it's a great fucking car. i love it. if i had the money i would go against all mechanics' advice and rebuild it.
shrew is the best to talk to. she always has a kind meow for me and a soft purr. the entire time i spent outside today whe hung out with me. playing with insects and moles. and occasionally foomping on my book. i guess she's finally forgiven me for deserting her for a year and a half and loving other cats.
tomorrow is the day javier is coming over to help my dad out. i think i'll mow the lawn, rake the grass clippings in back and plan my herb garden for next year. there's a great place for it outside the dining room windows. lots of sun, but it isn't very big. i think i'll also do some tomatoes. i have a wonderful marinara recipe. the back garden is much bigger than the littl plot by the house, but i'm afraid the kids will run through my crops and destroy them. i'd like to put in some herbs for tea. i think the back porch would look great with some drying herbs hanging on it. not to mention the tea i'd have all winter. plus i could put my fresh herbs in my harvest marinara sauce. garlic would be a god idea too. i wonder if it grows in pennsylvania. this oculd be so much fun. i could sprout the seeds in mid-winter and leep them inside, so when spring comes all i have to do is replant the healthy sprouts.
my parents have some gardening books. i'll look through them tomorrow and plan everything out before i propose this to my parents. it's their yard, after all. then, before winter hits, i'll dig up the ground and remove all offending shrubbery from the area. then i'll take said shrubbery to the knights of knee (vogue humor - strike a pose).
tell me if you have this problem: everytime i figure out what i want or need, or crave, or desire, i plan it out, and then - bang - everything changes on me. a thought occurs to me that seems more appealing than the last. and on it on it goes. how fucked up.
today, for example, it occurred to me that what i've been searching for is someone to "share life" with. someone to experience life in it's most intricate ways with. to talk to about each thing and learn from as well as teach to. tom robbins said in "another roadside attraction" that life is "birth, copulation and death." that says it all. there is so much to do and see but it all revolves around that. strange, how simple it is. it never occurred to me. not consciously, that is. i think somehow we are all aware of it.
javier never showed up to help my dad with the bus today. my dad is being infinitely patient with him. he always has an explanation for javier's actions.
i didn't work on my garden today at all. i did, however, get some book titles for herb and herb tea gardening. i'll have my mom get them from the library for me. i wish we still had the copier. oh well, if the books are any good, i'll buy them eventually.
sometimes i think when i get my paycheck this friday, i'll just get on a bus to california. i don't have the guts, though.
11:45 on a saturday night and dennys is dead. wow. maybe it's better this way. there is only one waiter here.
shrew brought home two baby rabbits tonight. one was dead, the other wasn't. i had to put it on the back lawn and hope it's mom came to get it.
my dad approved my garden idea. my mom didn't seems to have any objections, either.
jeff decided today that the nine inch nails record "pretty hate machine" has subliminal messages on it. every time he listens to it, it changes his mood. he gets this attitude. i get the same way. but i think it's just the nature of the music. i think rene' gets that way, too. it's hard to tell with her, though. i wonder if hse ever feels unsure or afraid. jeff attrats himself to the weirdest mix of people. rene and i are at least similar. but whiny smurf his other friend, is so different from the three of us. actually, i guess i'm guilty of the same thing. papa tom is nothing like any of my other friends. except he understands me. or seems to. sometimes i don't know. i've come not to expect understanding from my friends.
add motorcycles to the list of things i like. though i'm terrified ot ride one. i think i'd like it too much.
can i muster the nerve to get up, walk past javier and pay my check? or is my self-consciousness going to force me to sit here until he and his friends leave? i may just sit. hopefully my cigarettes will last until he leaves.
part of it is, i just don't want to go home.
how bad could it be to move in with matt? (my parents aside, this is about what i want). i'd meet plenty of neat people. he understands me like no one else. he also loves me unconditionally. i never have to try with him. i can be as naive or as wise as i want. no pretentions. i don't have to live up to any vague image. if i called him now would he be home? only one way to know. get up off my ass, pay my check and venture to the nearest phone.
okay i have to purchase the ticket thirty days in advance. that gives me some time to pay some bills, get my shit together, and save some money. buy a carton of cigarettes, etc.
now i can't wait for matt to call, so i can tell him. i'll be there for our anniversary if i work it right. oh, yeah!
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