1992

god, i have so many letters to write, i am really tempted to just write one and put different names at the top of it. but that's cheesy and therefore not my style, so i will invariably spend the entire day doing this, but it will be personal and hence, mean that much more to those who get my letter. if you go back to school, see if you can get credit in english class for that being the world's most obnoxious run-on sentence. i think i should have included a few semi-colons, but i have no idea where, and i type too fast to really give a shit anyway. so, how was your visit? you missed me by about three minutes, which is better time than those who live here can make. i am generally unfindable, so i am told. funny thing is, i usually know right where i am.

i am sure that sara by now has told you that i have a new love interest, or rather, it has found me. i have no clue beyond that what else she may have told you. i get the distinct impression that she is not terribly font of him. his name is douchebag . Yes he is a jew. by ancestry only, neither he not his parents practice any religion that i know of. he is from philadelphia, and he goes to pitt. he's a psych major, and plans to go to law school and spend some time in the marines. definitely not my type. i've known him two weeks, and i am so in love with him it's pathetic. after the holidays, if all is still going as well as it is now, i am moving in with him. he wants more than anything to get me out of here. since my mom left i have know only work and home. once i met douchebag i enlarged my horizons to oakland, and started to neglect my duties as a nanny. tough shit. i have decided to be selfish. i want my own life. douchebag keeps saying he wants kids someday and i keep telling him they won't mine. i have four now. is he going to rescue me from this just to turn me into a breeder? I yell 'not', he pouts, and we smoke a bowl.

speaking of weird things (no, we weren't but i needed a segue'), the puppy peddler just called. now that he knows that it is too late, and now that he is quite sure i am in love with douchebag, he has decided he is in love with me. as i told him the other night, too little too late. i still go out and smoke with him on occasion, but i have made it perfectly clear that i am not going to leave douchebag for him, nor am i going to cheat on douchebag's trust with him. i did finally get the opportunity to tell him all of the things i have been feeling for the past eight months. things like what a prick he is, he treated me like shit, i was the best thing that ever happened to him, and he threw it away. he agreed with all of it, then he tried to seduce me. nice, but no luck. all i could think about was going home and calling douchebag to tell him goodnight. i think i have finally won. so, puppy peddler and i are going out tonight after work. yay. he's broke, i am not. i guess i should endeavor to find a bag to share. that would be nice. i really can't stand him when we are both sober.

have you found a job yet? are you more happy than you were in your last letter? i wish our schedules had meshed during your visit, but i'm sure there will be more. if douchebag could get his car back . . . next semester. then i can take road trips to all kinds of funky places. the next time you come to town, write and let me know before hand, so i can take time of and we can have coffee. feel free to call, if you need to. write soon, and take care of yourself.

11/10/92

my brain is jello. when i got home i was still tripping. douchebag had to have understood that, that's why he confronted me. i don't think i got through to him and i heard a 'pop' or 'snap' in my head. sensory overload, i guess. inside my head everything poured out. i haven't cried like that, compulsively, unintelligibly, frighteningly since . . . i don't want to think about it. my brain is jello. i swore off lsd on a god i don't believe in for a man and a woman that i do believe in. well, i do believe in him, i don't believe in myself. how do you believe in someone who's brain is jello? i am so freaked out. i don't want to tell douchebag. he'll blame someone else. and it was the confrontation this morning while i was still tripping.

or maybe it wasn't. maybe it was a long time coming and it just happened today. hopefully this will pass. i feel like . . . i feel disconnected. just parts strewn about, covered with jello. warm jello in the runny stage. i'm not going to let it show that i'm losing it. i'll just wait until i have it collected again. no one is getting a hold of me. it may be jello but it's my jello. i don't think for a minute that anyone can help me . . . i have to do it myself. maybe douchebag can help. but i won't ask him. i can't let him know how fucked i feel. i am sitting at the coffeehouse near the university that he douchebag goes to. he is taking a test and i hope he gets here soon, before i see anybody i know. i don't want to talk to anyone. but i don't want to be at home alone waiting for him. i just hope no one talks to me.

jr came in. i told him last night i didn't like him, but douchebag made me be nice. he didn't try to talk to me just now, that's good. that was a big thing i was afraid of by being here, but he's gone, so i can calm down now, right? so why aren't i why don't i fell better? there are guys here that i'm afraid of. big guys who look like they have nothing better to do than fuck with me or anyone who looks scared. i must look scared. i know i don't have my shit together enough to look confident and unapproachable. lickily though, i look unattractive enough that maybe no one will waste their time. the man at burgerlords thought i was a guy. douchebag is right, this is not my day.

which is worse: almost losing everything, or feeling like you have nothing to lose? i know that douchebag is what/who i was waiting for. i know i'm supposed to be with him. but the problem is, i don't know i'm the one he is supposed to be with. more and more i don't think so. i don't think he's happy. i don't think he really wants to settle for this, for me. but when it comes down to it, i really know for sure. it isn't my decision to make. i'm not going to try to leave him. if he wants me to leave, that's another thing entirely. but i won't try any more to make that decision for him.

the scary guys are gone and i can calm down. so why aren't i? i think i'm going to cry. i can't do it here and it upsets douchebag. i don't know why i want to. it happened last time, i cried inconsolably for no apparent reason. al the time for the first few days after the 'snap'. i can't lose control. i have to go to work tomorrow. but it will only be until five so its okay. i can be with douchebag all night. i can be normal at work and he can help me at home. i'll get through this. i'll be alright.

one of jr's friends is sitting there scowling at me. douchebag will take care of it. maybe. i don't want to count on him, but if jr decides to make an issue of my not liking him, something has to be done. it isn't my fault the man is a dick. but i am not going to be hassled because of it. after i met douchebag, when i was dead in my dreams, i was old, i didn't recognize myself. i wasn't young anymore.